Final pregnancy update...

We are 28 weeks along now...  and with complications to my health and concerns for the safety of delivering our little Faith Joanna alive, we are scheduled for a c-section tomorrow, March 6.

The past weeks have been a mixture of lovingly tender and painful...  both physically and emotionally.  With Faith's inability to swallow, she is not using up any amniotic fluid - but her kidneys are healthy and functioning well, so the fluid continues to build and build and build inside of me.  At this time, I am significantly larger in the belly than I have ever been with any of our full term or otherwise babies - I did not know it was possible to stretch this big and not pop -  we haven't taken a belly picture yet, but will probably do that later this evening, to include in Faith's journal/ memory book that I've been putting her ultrasound pictures and writing in, along with photos taken after she is born tomorrow.

We really appreciate all of the prayers going out for us our for our precious little daughter - I just want you to know how much it means to all of us...

TJ and I met with the hospital staff/ NICU staff this morning and then stopped at the funeral home before going back home. The hospital meeting was productive and we have a birth plan in place - they are hand picking our nursing staff for tomorrow so that it is comfortable for everyone (including the staff) and arrangements have been made to "break" the "no children" rule that the hospital currently has in place due to flu season... the funeral home was not productive, all I could do was cry - no decisions/ choices were made. We'll deal with that later - I just can't handle it right now... we both feel strongly that it is something we need to decide together, but I was just too much of a mess to be there today.

We go in tomorrow morning... surgery is scheduled for late am, though we are to be there mid-am for all the prep stuff and paperwork...

We selected a memory box that has a place in the front for a photograph and a hand or footprint, as well as a "chest" sort of inside to put special things in, as well as a Willow Tree figurine (the one called "Remembrance") which we ordered earlier this week.  The memory box and Willow Tree figurine both arrived today, before we had to leave for hospital appointments, so I opened both and showed them to the kids... explaining the purpose of the memory box, and told the kids that if they want to write letters or draw pictures for little Faith, they could, and we would put them in her special box where we will put other special things from this pregnancy and her birth... they spent most of the 2 hours we were gone working on those - with tearful presentations when we got back home...

TJ and I tried to explain, to the best of our understanding and ability, what we anticipate tomorrow looking like, so that the kids have an idea of what to expect... The older kids have understood the gravity of Faith's condition from the day we found out, as we felt it was important to be upfront and honest with them about what was going on, and what her prognosis was...  We gentled that information even more for the middle kids, and the youngest have just been told that Faith is sick and we need to pray for her.  Today, for some of the younger middle ones, it seemed to sink in... Faith won't be coming home with us... I tried to explain gently how she will be with us for a little while at the hospital and then she will go and be with God in heaven - we won't get to see her again until it's our turn to go to heaven as well... my 5 and 7 year olds didn't quite understand up to that point, and they really cried... as did I... it was hard to talk about, but I think it was important for all of us to talk about it, for the kids to be able to ask questions, and for us to get our grief out in the open as we prepare for tomorrow.

Please pray tomorrow for each of the kids to be able to process their individual grief... to find some healing in being able to hold their baby sister before we have to say goodbye... for the c-section to go smoothly and quickly so that we have as much alive-time with our little one as possible... and for all of us to have the grace needed when the time comes to hand her empty shell to the nurse. My arms ache just thinking about it. I don't want tomorrow to come, but I also know there's no way to stop it from coming... so thankful for the Lord's presence right now... it's almost tangible... He truly is near to the brokenhearted.