These last few months have been filled with a difficult pregnancy, life in a busy household with lots of children, lots of animals, and... lots of stress.
We are in the final days of pregnancy now. After an unexpected (and unwanted) doctor change as our long-time OB is transitioning toward retirement, we have faced some additional hurdles and frustrations that we could not have anticipated. We have also been faced with some hard decisions... I've been told that my uterus would probably not handle another pregnancy without the strong probability of life-threatening complications for both another baby and myself. My husband and I have taken this to prayer and I have been strongly convicted that I needed to place this decision in my husband's hands and come under his leadership and guidance in this important decision - letting go of control once again... that's hard to do, but I have peace that it was the right thing. After much prayer, he has come to the decision that yes, we need to be done having children, so along with a c-section birth (because it is the only safe way to deliver at this point) I am set to have a tubal ligation after this litle one is born. I have peace about this as well - that's not something I ever thought I would say, but the peace is overwhelming in the sense that I know my husband was led to make the decision that is best for our family.
Now, after weeks of prodromal (early) labor, and not making much progress with that, we find ourselves again having to let go of "control" and seek the Lord's will and mercy. With my husband's new job, he is part of a group of 15 men going through an intensive training period - they are just about at the halfway mark of a 3 month training before they will be tested and then certified to work. It is a good job, a perfect fit for him, and something he is really enjoying, for which I am so thankful! However, the job training takes him out of town for certain aspects - to date, he has been able to be home every night, but we are quickly approaching the point where he will need to be gone for a few days at a time... and so we reach our particular "pickle" -
At our last OB visit, my blood pressure was elevated (and has been of late), I have some facial and hand swelling (thankfully my feet almost never swell!), and I had started bleeding a bit earlier that morning - our new OB said we would go ahead and schedule the c-section for Monday if I don't go into full labor before then. We thought my husband would be in town on Monday - his training supervisor has been wonderful about trying to keep him local so that he doesn't have to miss this birth, and has nearly bent over backwards trying to accommodate, even though we did not ask him to - I am so grateful for this. However, it came down to a point where his hands are tied, and my husband has to be in a town a couple of hours away on Monday at the time of our scheduled surgeries and birth. I can't begin to tell you how many tears I have cried over this, how many "please, Lord, have mercy" prayers... how frustrated and stressed I have gotten over this, and worried... I don't want to go back in to the operating room without my husband. The last time we were there was when our precious daughter Faith was born and that marked the beginning of her imminent death - my heart feels overwhelmed with the thought of going through those doors again, and I have felt so strongly that I *NEED* to have my husband with me for that... it's not something I feel that I can do on my own. And yet...
This morning, as we sat at the table just the two of us, he prayed as he does each morning, thanking the Lord for our family, our home, his food, and whatever is on his heart... but this morning he prayed that the Lord would see fit to allow him to be present at this birth... but above all for the Lord's will... and he ended his prayer with words that have convicted and humbled me... "we will praise You no matter the outcome". Ouch. I haven't been praising, I have been worrying, I have been stressing... I've been doing everything *but* praising. His intention was not to humble me or to correct me, it was his heartfelt prayer to our Lord, our Father God - it was his committment to praise the Lord regardless of if we get our way in this or not. I needed that reminder, though I didn't want it.
So right now, I commit to the same - I *will* praise Him no matter the outcome. If I have to go back to the operating room alone, I will praise Him - it isn't what I want. It isn't my will... but His will be done, and may He give us the strength, the courage, and the power to praise Him in all things... even when they are contrary to what we desire. Don't get me wrong - I'm still praying for mercy and that the Lord would see fit to allow my husband to be present for the birth of our little one - I'm begging Him for mercy in this... but with a different heart attitude. I still want what I want, but I've been convicted to let go of the "it's not fair" mindset and to put this in God's hands (where really, it has been all along). I strongly desire that he could be present at our daughter's birth and pray that it might be within the Lord's will for that to happen - but with my husband, I now pray and commit to praise the Lord even if we don't get that. I am thankful for my husband and his good heart... his desire to seek the Lord and not to tell God how things should be done, but to seek His will over all... and to praise Him no matter the outcome.
Thank you, Lord, for Your many blessings. I praise You, and thank You. Your will be done. Amen.
