Several people have emailed asking how we're doing... that's a hard question to answer.
We're ok - or at least, we will be...
right now, it's hard.
We went to the store the other day and there was a newborn baby near the door, crying that soft new baby cry... my heart could not handle the sound. Not a full minute in the store and I had to turn around and leave...
The first time back to get groceries, a young family passed by me with a brand new baby girl - she was beautiful... didn't look a thing like our Faith did, and yet it was so painful to see her... it was all I could do to stay standing - I looked away and fought tears. My husband saw and understood, placing himself behind me, put his arms around me and just let me cry. I don't cry in public - I just don't - and yet there I was... bawling.
There's no envy or begrudging others of their babies... there are 3 families in our church who had baby girls all born within a month of our Faith's birth - I am happy for each of them, but right now my heart hurts too much to share in their joy. Maybe that doesn't make any sense.
No way in the world would I wish this pain, the understanding of this pain, on anyone... I would not wish someone else's baby to be my own... it wouldn't be the same anyway. I'm grateful for them, that they have their little ones to love and hold and coo and gush over... but I can't bring myself to intentionally look, I can't prevent the tears from falling when I see or hear a new baby...
This too shall pass... it has to.
My heart is raw. It will heal. It will take time, though.
Most of the kids have adjusted well and most seem to have moved past their grief already - that's not surprising, since most of them are still pretty young... A couple of the older girls still cry, still need reassurance and comforting - that's ok, too. I'm so thankful that none of them feel the need to question God for His gift of a baby sister who would not live longer than 2 hours on this earth... so thankful that they thank Him for the time we had when we say our prayers, thankful that they trust that God has a reason for allowing all things - even hard things like the death of their baby sister... I pray that He uses this in their hearts and increases their faith and trust in Him, that He uses this to allow them empathy for others in their time of pain...
TJ and I handle our grief differently. I'm pretty much an open book - I have a terrible "poker face" and wear my heart on my sleeve. Anyone who knows me knows this. TJ on the other hand processes his feelings internally - he doesn't show his feelings of sadness or grief often, only in private moments together. His smile is back, along with the smile lines I so love around his eyes... when people ask how we're doing, his answer is "great" - I have to accept that this is just him... it's how he handles things... for the most part, he is doing great, and that's good. I'm not there yet. It will come, but it isn't there right now. That's ok, too.
So, we're doing ok - some better than others... we continue to trust in the Lord through this, and for the healing of our hearts and hurts. I'm exceedingly grateful for the living children we do have, and for the ability to be home with them and to raise them... but that doesn't replace the babies we have lost. It doesn't replace the empty place in my arms where Faith "should" be. No person can be replaced with another person... every one has their individual place in our hearts, and the place where Faith should be is both full of love for her and empty of her presence, if that makes any sense. We are hurting still, but that's to be expected. Life will never be the same, and it's not supposed to be... Time will heal the wounds, but there will forever be marks left where the wound is... time will lessen the hurt, but it won't go away completely, not until we are in the Lord's presence and He takes all hurts away, and we will know nothing but the joy of His presence and the rejoicing and praise in awe of Him, our Creator God...
In the meanwhile, it's small steps... one day at a time. We'll be ok in time, but it will take time to get there. I thank you for your prayers and loving concern as we work toward that goal.
In His time... and continuing to rest in His hands.
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