Years ago the Lord convicted me about being a submissive wife. You can find a number of scriptures about it in the Bible, and yet, it isn't as easy as... well, let me start with a little story instead.
It's funny, because I have long believed that the husband should be the head of the household, the head of the wife, and that the wife should gladly live in submission to her husband - but then the reality of that struck... and hard.
OK, short rabbit trail - if you haven't already figured it out, I'm pretty transparent - sometimes to a fault. This is me. I don't play games and I don't mince words. What you see is what you get - I think out loud, and type "out loud" too (aren't you glad you aren't in the room as I'm typing? It must get pretty annoying to anyone dealing with that! Fortunately at the moment, it's just my sleeping little one in her crib and me across the room being mostly quiet!)
Back to submission... My father will tell you (if you talk to him) that I was not exactly the most submissive child growing up - I've always been bull headed to a fault and pig headed at times too... dont' ask me to explain the difference, I just know Pig-headed is more insulting. It is what it is, yes? Well, my father and I have long been estranged, and we have been off and on through the years. This is a subject that brings great pain and regret, but is not the topic for the moment. Perhaps another day... I have to work up the courage... Anyway... During one of those times when we were NOT estranged, and shortly after being married to my wonderful and long-suffering husband, I had a disagreement with my husband. Now a little background... we grew up together, have known each other since we were just little tots... I played with his next younger sister sometimes, but it wasn't until we were in junior high that he and I really became FRIENDS. Well, a lot of history and water under the bridge, fast forward to after high school... I was living in a bad way and he was not. He joined the military and was sent overseas after his training - I was stateside and making one bad choice after another. One good thing came of that time, and that is my oldest daughter. When my best friend in all of the world came home after being away for six years, I had a two year old daughter. By that time I had given my life to the Lord (again - I had walked away and fallen badly for several years... that's not a pretty story) and was living a much cleaner life. That said, I was lonely. I had been hurt by many men professing love or affection, and had come to greatly distrust men in general. I learned to be even more independant than before (not really a good thing, all things considered) and then he came home and there it was... that great love that I had been fighting - I had broken up with him numerous times before, always telling him he deserved better (and yes, he really did) and yet he truly loved me and chose to wait... well, he waited and waited and waited... and when he came home, we both looked at it as seeing a long-lost best friend again... but it was more. A few months later we were married - he went from being a single Airman to a husband *and* a father, as well as an enlisted man. Whoo, his life got complicated, because I came with baggage.
So, back to where the rabbit trail left off...
I had my way of doing things, I had this parenting thing pretty much figured out (hahahaha, can you hear the hysterical laughter??) and he made a decision that I did not like. It wasn't my way of doing things, and after all, I had been a parent for two whole whopping years before he came back into the picture, so clearly I knew a lot more than he did, right? Really... uh huh. So he went to work, and I went about my morning, steaming and stomping and being a tantrumy little bugger. Then I made a huge mistake. I called... my mother. (yes, you can boo and hiss - terribly appropriate, I have to admit) Her words were not words of wisdom, they were words of "I knew this was a mistake. You should divorce him now before things get worse."
OK - this coming from my mother who was at the time a man-hater. Would she admit to that status? Nope. But she was recently divorced and recently broke up with a boyfriend, and she was ANGRY at men. I should have known better, and honestly, I probably did - but I wanted someone to commisserate with me and wallow in my anger and sef-righteousness with me (told you I was transparent!). Well, suggestions of divorce were totally out of line. To be honest, the disagreement was a very mild discipline issue - my husband handled something, and it came out well, but he didn't do it MY WAY! I mean, really... the nerve, right?
So, I get off the phone with my man-hating mother and I called... my father. Yup. The man himself. I told him my story of woe and waited expectantly for his words of sympathy (should have known better, he's never shown me sympathy in my life! He has at time given words of great wisdom and at other times words of great destruction - but never, ever sympathy. What was I thinking? I was alone and had no one else to talk to, that's what!) Well, he had an answer for me and it didn't feel good to hear, in fact I was so angry at his words that I wanted to hang up the phone on him AFTER telling him how very, very wrong he was. But I didn't. No, a display like that would get me disowned... again... and I didn't want that, so I held my tongue until after we cordially hung up. Ha.
What did he say, you wonder? Good question - he told me that I needed to let my new husband wear the pants in the family and to stop trying to usurp his God-given authority. WHAT?!?!???
*sigh*
Hours later, after ranting at my poor, innocent husband (yes, really), and ranting at my ever-patient and very, very, very long-suffering God, I listened... and I heard my father's words again... and they were the Lord's words... OUCH. OK, Lord, you're right. Dad was right, too, much as I hate to admit it... I am sorry, oh I am so very, very sorry... please help me to trust, to step back and step down from the leadership position I have wrongly taken (wrested?) from my husband, my leader...
So at the end of the work day, my dearest came home to find his pathetic wife in tears, sobbing apologies for being so angry and disrespectful to him, for wearing the pants in the family and not allowing him to lead as was his rightful position. Poor man, he didn't even realize I was angry when he left! So he got the whole long story (yes, longer than this post) and then another tearful apology, which he so graciously accepted. And that was the start of a new marriage for us... because I learned to step back and not try to take the head leadership position in our young family... I learned a very painful lesson (which can be good for a few laughs now, so many years later! hey, if I can't laugh at myself, I'm in BIG trouble!!!)
The wife's position is not to lead. She is not a doormat either, not by any means... but she is not the head or the equal in headship of the home...
Recently, I discovered the Botkin family. No, I haven't met any of them, but I heard a talk given by the two daughters of this family, and am now in the process of listening to a recorded series by their mother. Wow - what insight! I love, love, love the choice of wording they use in describing a woman's role... she is not her man's opposite, she does not compete with him, she does not clash with him, but she is to COMPLEMENT HIM.
Wow, wow, wow... I LOVE THAT!!!
Our men are not complete on their own, that is why God gave them a helpmeet... a wife...
In Genesis, in the story of Creation, God creates the earth and all within it, and He creates man... and He sees that man has not a helpmeet, so he gives man a deep sleep during which God creates woman out of man's bone with the PURPOSE of being the man's helper... not his servant, not his slave, his HELPER.
A helper picks up the workload and works alongside, takes up the jobs given her, takes joy in the fulfillment of being her husband's helpmeet, his helper, his other half... his complement... She strives to do her part to encourage her man, her husband - the only man she can truly be a helpmeet to... She strives to bring out his best, to listen to his hard day, to share in his joys, to share in his sorrows... to share in his passions... to give him children, to train them up to respect and honor him, to respect and honor him herself... to complement his strengths and to strengthen him in his weaknesses (wether that be stepping in to do those things he does not enjoy, if it is in his will for her to, or if it is to be his cheerleader, she builds him up and strengthens him.)
All of these things I have known, and yet did not have the right word for... until I heard their presentation and word choice of COMPLEMENT. How appropriate - how wonderful - how true!
If you care to listen to their message, it is titled "What Is Biblical Femininity?" by Elizabeth and Anna Sophia Botkin. I highly recommend it - and most especially for unmarried daughters!! (I listened to it alone first, and was rocked by the message... I later had my oldest girls (15 and 12) listen to it, and will eventually have all of my daughters listen because it is presented primarily for unmarried daughters by unmarried daughters who seek a better way than our American feminists teach and indoctrinate.
My next listening series is by their mother, Victoria Botkin, and is titled "She Shall Be Called Woman". She speaks as a Titus 2 woman, teaching the younger women - I have only listened to the first of the 9 CDs in this set, but I am encouraged, refreshed, and very much looking forward to listening to the next disk tomorrow or as time and family needs allow.
A wife = her husband's complement. How true - and how refreshing!
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