This is actually a copy and paste of something I wrote to someone specific, but after re-reading it and thinking on it, decided to share it here as well... perhaps it might help someone more than the original recipient who is also grieving the loss of a precious child.
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First, I understand where you are coming from - I have had 7 miscarriages over the years, first and second trimester losses both, and then gave birth to a daughter last March (next Friday marks one year since her birth, and death) - she had a chromosomal disorder and complex heart issues, and throughout the pregnancy we never knew if she would be with us for another day or another week... she was born alive, but just barely... she was purple and went to sleep maybe two minutes after her birth and never woke again.
The pain of such a loss is excruciating, and yes, it does cause us to second guess convictions and decisions and so much more...
In the end, we know that we can trust in the *fact* that God is gracious, He is loving, He loves our little ones even more than we do (which frankly is sure hard to wrap my mama's heart and brain around - how could ANYONE love my children more than I do? and yet, He does...) He does allow hard things - sometimes things we will never, ever, on this earth understand. But we also know that it's ok to cry, it's ok to grieve - even Jesus wept at Lazarus' tomb... He knew that He could (and shortly would) raise Lazarus from the grave/ death, and yet He wept for the death of His friend!
Yes, we do need to be content, but I don't think that means we aren't allowed real and genuine feelings... and that includes grief. Allow your grief to draw you closer to Him, allow Him to heal your hurts, to soothe your soul and bring peace to your heart and mind. We don't have to understand *why*, we just need to trust that He *is* in control, His love for us NEVER wavers... these hard things aren't a punishment, nor are they the Lord looking away for a moment - they are painful and they are real, but they are not without His love and protection being *right there* with us. It's hard to see that when we are in the midst of grief, sometimes it's hard to feel His presence... yet we have His promise that He will NEVER leave us OR forsake us - He is ever present in our times of trouble - as He cares for the sparrow of the field, how much more He cares for us... so many places in scripture where He reminds us of His love. He is unfailing. Even when we feel alone, even when we feel broken and lost, crushed under the weight of grief, He *is* there... and He cares, and I believe He weeps with us because our pain sorrows Him. No loving parent wants to see their child suffer and hurt, and yet there are times in life when we cannot or do not intervene and our children deal with pain... it isn't because we don't love them or because we've walked away - sometimes there are things that have to be learned and they can only be learned through sorrow or pain. It's hard to understand, and yet, that's what it is.
In the end, we continue to trust the Lord, we love Him, we give our hurts to Him and allow Him to comfort our pain and tears... and we grow.
There are people who will never understand this - they see our hurting and our losses and ask why we don't just stop already... because they have missed the greater lesson that it isn't about how many children we can have...
It's about trusting the Lord to be in control.
It's about leaning on His wisdom and not our own.
It's about obedience.
Sometimes He can speak to us through a doctor who tells us that for medical reasons, it really is time to stop - and it is medically indicated that we need to take permanent measures - when that time comes, I believe there is a peace from the Lord that comes with it. Sometimes He leads us through our husbands first, and sometimes He puts that nudging in our hearts first and goes from there. I don't know that there is a one-size-fits-all "sign", but if we keep our hearts open to Him, to His will, to continuing to allow Him to be in control of our lives, of our fertility, then He will let us know His will and He will guide and direct us. Our job is to continue to walk in His will... and we may mistake something for His will or question something that *is* His will, and that's ok - we are human. He created us that way, and we are not perfect - but we do need to continue to seek Him and His will in all things, including our fertility.
It seems a lot of people mistake the concept of "quiver full" as being a sort of mandate to "have as many children as humanly possible" and they try to control their fertility by not breastfeeding beyond a certain age or by trying to conceive using various methods, or whatever... Yet, it is not a mandate. It is a conviction that all life is the Lord's to give and to take, we need to try to stay within His will and bless His name in all things, even (and especially) when it hurts, when it is hard... We show our love for Him partly in doing just that - we trust in Him to always know what is best. Does it mean we never "try" to get pregnant? I don't think so... but we don't try to *not* get pregnant either... we leave the control of that, on both sides of it, in His great and capable hands.
Sometimes He will give us gifts that we get to keep, sometimes He will give us gifts that are only ours for a short time... but they are all gifts, not punishments. He has determined the number of each of our days, from beginning to end, before the world even began. Some lives barely touch this world, and yet they are no less precious or important.
Allow yourself to grieve... and yes, sometimes with the grieving comes the questioning - take your questions to Him. He loves you so much and He wants to comfort you and bring you peace... He wants to help carry you through your grief. Blessings come in many forms, and sometimes those blessings come during times of healing from great pain. Remember that it is possible to be content and still grieve at the same time -I think of my precious daughter Faith as an example of this... her body had so many things "wrong" with it that she could not have survived, and had she survived, she would have lived in constant pain and with constant difficulty... and while I miss her so very much, and I still hurt and ache to hold her tiny body in my arms once again, I would never wish her back from the Lord's presence. When she passed from my arms, she was given God's gift of miraculous healing, totally and completely healed and whole, never to experience any pain or heartache - all she will ever know is the glory and joy of being in the Lord's presence and her existence worshipping Him at His feet... What a glorious gift for my sweet child! Yes, my arms ache for her, my heart aches for her - and as we approach the one year anniversary of both her birth and earthly death, the grief comes in fresh waves, that honestly sometimes feel overwhelming... raw and painful... I cry for her passing, I cry for my own heartache - but I would not change where she is or take back the Lord's gift of healing for her.
Someday we will be blessed by the presence of the children we have "lost" in this world, and we will rejoice and praise the Lord together with them. In the meanwhile, I don't believe it is wrong to grieve our earthly losses, and I do believe that the Lord desires to comfort us in our heartaches.
((((hugs to you)))) praying for your hurting heart - may the Lord surround you with His peace and comfort. I pray that for all of us who are grieving for our children "who are no more" on this earth - and yet they are still, because they are with the Lord in heaven.
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