It's been a while since I posted anything here, and realized after replying to an email from a friend that I should probably put something here, too, so copy and pasting part of that email, and tweaking it for general reading... here's our latest:
Physically I am getting better, but slowly- this has been the hardest c-section recovery, but for a few reasons... for the last part of pregnancy, I developed a condition called polyhydramnios - a big word which means way too much amniotic fluid. One of the side effects was damage to my eyes (and other "soft tissue areas") - we were told that my eyesight should return within 6 weeks, but here we are 10 weeks later and no improvement, so it looks like the damage may be permanent. That has been frustrating because I have lost depth perception and distance vision, so I am no longer safe to drive. Thankfully, TJ is now retired, so he is home for the time being and is doing the driving. There was also some nerve damage from the c-section incision area so that I have lost the feeling on parts of my right side, mostly abdominal. We are unclear on if this will improve or not with time. The nerve damage has slowed me down a good bit, but I'm adjusting. Some other issues could either be from the soft-tissue damage caused by the polyhydramnios or could be age related (I'm 41, but with the wear and tear on my body from so many different things in life, it feels like I'm much older some days). Anyway, it's an adjustment to what I can and can no longer do, but day by day we press forward.
Heart healing is different... I know it will come. Faith will forever be a big part of my heart, and it's a toss up between if it feels empty without her here or full to overflowing for the love that is there for her. That, I think, is a gift... to be able to know that I can love her forever and will someday see (and perhaps hold) her again... It makes me wonder more about the other side of heaven, and if we'll have ages there... if our babies will still be babies... if we'll be able to actually hold our babies or not... I suppose those are just earthly thoughts, though, because when we get there we will probably be so busy praising the Lord and rejoicing in His presence that I'm not sure if we'll even know our children as our children, you know? I like to think that we will know them, but to be honest with myself, I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be or not...
Part of the healing here has come from being busy... we have tackled some building projects, and barn projects... we butchered our 2 cows last month, selling one and keeping the other, and we have 6 pigs that are scheduled to butcher on Tuesday. Last week TJ and I built an addition on to our barn so we could raise more cows and have more space for our pregnant mare and her baby when she foals late summer... then last weekend we made a trip to Idaho to see TJ's family (that was really nice - especially getting to stay with the sister and her family that we did - we have kids of same ages, and it was a great time of fellowship and catching up!) We brought back 9 baby jersey calves with us, 3 went to our 4-H leader and we kept the other 6. They are adorable.
We are bottle feeding them morning and evening, and enjoying that! We have plans to pick up another batch of pigs in the next week or so, along with a couple of other calves (holsteins) to raise for beef, and I am in the process of getting licensed and to have our co-op area inspected to be a "meat depot" so that we can sell our beef and pork on co-op shares for customers who would like to buy but do not have the large freezer space to store bulk purchases... so we are also building a room in our garage to house the co-op freezer, and plan to make another addition on to the back of our barn for additional cows (the third addition to the barn since we moved here 4 years ago!) We also have 13 baby chicks in a brooder in the kitchen right now, with 24 others in the barn (as well as the rooster) so we get lots of eggs, making it possible to sell extras to keep them in feed. It's especially nice now that they are essentially paying for their keep! With TJ recently retired and not having found other employment just yet, we are working on ways to increase the income we can produce from home and barn with the eventual goal of making enough from our livestock projects that he won't need to work outside the home at all... we have a ways to go before reaching that goal, but we're making progress... in the meanwhile, he is still looking for other employment to help make ends meet.
Something I'm trying not to struggle with is the peace and trust factor... we still very firmly hold the conviction that our fertility is the Lord's to control, but my OB told us at our post-partum appointment that should we conceive again there is a *one in four* possibility that any future babies could have a trisomy disorder like our Faith did - the thought of going through all of that all over again strikes fear into my heart... and yet how could I choose to do anything different than to choose life and pray for the Lord's will for our babies? I could never choose to do any pregnancy differently than we did with Faith, and yet the very real possibility of losing more babies is daunting, to say the least... in some ways I wish the Lord would just close my womb, and in others, I don't want to end our fertile years with such a painful loss... in the end, it's a matter of learning (once again) to place that control in the Lord's hands and to rest in Him for that future... it feels like a test, and I'm not sure if I'm passing or failing on that measure... stretching, to be sure...
The rest of the family is doing well - they seem mostly healed. All but our 2nd oldest have finished school for the year, and our oldest just completed her first year of college classes and did very well, finishing with one B and the rest all As! TJ is officially retired and going through the VA to get his disability processed. He's doing much better after that last surgery, but is not 100% and has probably reached the healing that will come, so he is adjusting to what is abilities are, and adjusting to having a hearing aid as well... that has been strange for him, as it makes everything sound different (and sometimes overwhelming) so he doesn't wear it as much as he is supposed to, but he's getting there... He is looking for work, but there doesn't seem to be much available in the area around the training he has, unless he were to become a civillian cop, which he is "too old" for (by their standards) and he isn't interested in doing that anyway (for which I am greatly relieved). Anyway, the timing for retirement worked well, as it was just after tax-return time, so we were able to sock away some extra savings to cover the gap from what his retirement doesn't pay to cover our bills, but we are nearing the end of that safety net, so hoping he finds something soon (though we're hoping for something part time so he can be home more). Anyway, yes, lots of adjustments for us in so many aspects!
All in all, we are doing well - healing and continuing forward... Thankful for the Lord's grace and strength to carry us through things, and looking toward that light at the end of the tunnel... and thankful that healing doesn't mean forgetting.
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