24 weeks - Friday Jan 31



This may come out a little jumbled, as I’m still trying to make sense of it myself, but this is the latest on our pregnancy updates for little Faith Joanna.  Our ultrasound today confirmed serious heart concerns – Faith definitely has VSD (ventrical septal defect) and her heart is like a mirror image of what it should be, something called “isomerism”, where the heart is anatomically reversed.  There is suspected tetrology fallot and heterotaxy syndrome – I’m trying to research these to understand the basics of what they are still and couldn’t even begin to explain it at this point as I’m feeling rather clueless about them myself – but we meet with a pediatric cardiologist on Monday and hopefully he can shed some additional light on what these are and what they mean…  There are concerns with the large blood vessel, the aorta, as well as the pulmonary artery’s outflow.  Again, we hope that the cardiologist can help shed some light on what all of this means, as well as what our treatment options are (if any) and what risks are associated with any possible treatment.

 

On other areas, the omphalocele has gotten smaller (this is the membrane sack outside of her abdomen that holds some of her organs) and is no where near the size it was.  It appears more as a hernia at this point, so that’s a good thing!  On the flip side, the ultrasound tech (whom our OB describes as “one of the best in the state”) could not find Faith’s stomach.  Her abdomen is clearly outlined, but the stomach itself does not appear in any of the many images that were taken today.  I’m not sure what this means long-term…  obviously it affects any ability to feed our daughter, should the Lord see fit to give her life outside of the womb, but beyond that, it’s unclear if it is due to her small size (we are now 24 weeks) or if she simply does not have a stomach.  I did not think it was possible to not have a stomach and survive, so this has me baffled, to be honest.  My doc said we will look more at that in another 3 weeks when we repeat the ultrasound process.

 

Growth wise, she is measuring at about 23 weeks – a week behind gestational age, mostly due to her smaller abdomen.  For a trisomy 18 baby, this isn’t a surprise, as they tend to be much smaller than the average baby.  It does feel strange, though, as our babies are usually on the larger end…  even those born as preemies.

 

There was no comment made about the cysts we saw on her brain in previous ultrasounds, but I was a little overwhelmed with some of the other information, and forgot to ask if they are still present or not.  Ultimately, we wouldn’t know what kind of effect the cysts may or may not have until much closer to birth, if not after birth, so aside from leaving me wondering after the fact, it doesn’t have much impact on the decisions we are faced with.

 

Not surprising, considering my ever-growing size, there is an abundance of excess amniotic fluid – on the positive side, that fluid allows for the growth and development of her lungs.  On the flip side, it does put added pressure on her heart, and can negatively affect her health in other ways as well, not to mention it’s a bit uncomfortable and causes a lot of pressure for me physically.  If I’m this big at 24 weeks, I tremble to think how large we might get if we get close to “term”.  We won’t go to full term, because of the risk of stillbirth and my labor history where I have gone into labor by if not before 36 weeks with our last 6 children.  Only Caleb (our 9^th) made it past 36 weeks, just into the 37^th week because he got “stuck”.  We will most likely deliver prior to 36 weeks to avoid a repeat of that, but we are not yet sure at what point we will need to deliver – again, with the risk of stillbirth still so high, there is no guarantee that we will even make it to a live birth.  We hope and pray that is the Lord’s will, but we also know that it may not be.  So we wait and see…  I’m not very good at waiting, though – patience has never been my strong point.

 

Anyway, I’m still processing what a lot of this means…  We’re having some internet issues with the computer freezing up frequently, so my search for information online is temporarily hampered…  heart things should (hopefully) be more clear after we speak with the pediatric cardiologist on Monday.  Other things I guess we just wait until the next ultrasound to see where we stand at that point – there really isn’t much we can do until then, to confirm what we saw and didn’t see today...  

 

My doctor is wonderful and compassionate, and we could not ask for better care.  Our God is faithful and gracious, and we know that NONE of this takes Him by surprise…  none of this is a mistake...  Faith is formed perfectly within His will for whatever His reasons are – I have peace in that.  My heart is heavy with her diagnosis, yet we are not without hope… God is in control, and I am so thankful for that.  I can not fathom how someone could get through something like this without His presence and am so very thankful that we do not have to walk this road without His love, His greatness, His mercy, to sustain us and keep us going in the day to day things as well as with the whole big and often-overwhelming picture.

 

Thank you SO MUCH for your continued prayers – we know God hears them and is answering, even when we cannot hear or see what those answers are or may be at this time.

21 week ultrasound and updates

Thank you so much for your continued prayers for our little Faith Joanna.  We had another ultrasound Thursday afternoon and a long discussion afterward with our high-risk specialist OB - it was a hard day, and we very much stand in need of prayers for wisdom and discernment as we have some hard decisions to make.

 

There is absolutely no question (nor has there ever been) about us giving her life for as long as the Lord sees fit to allow it, so that is not an issue, but the ultrasound showed serious concerns, some far worse than we had anticipated from previous ultrasounds and tests, others not as bad as we had thought.  On both sides of this, we remain convinced that the Lord has a plan for allowing these things, and we know that He does not make mistakes.  Faith's life, health, and future have all been planned out by our loving Creator God, and she is in His great hands.

 

This week's ultrasound shows the fluid pockets we had seen on her brain last time to be cysts, but they do appear to be dissipating...  or at the very least reduced in size.  It is still unknown how this may or may not affect her brain function.  Her head shows the typical shaping of trisomy 18, as does her hand posturing.  She has club feet (which we did not know before, but it is not surprising, as club foot or rocker bottom foot are very typical of trisomy 18 children).  Her spine is beautiful and looks great :)  Her abdomen still has the omphalocele (the membrane sac that holds organs outside of her body) - it is believed at this time to at least contain her bowels...  possibly her liver, though that is uncertain as of yet - it does have good blood flow, and the doctor said that with the right specialist, it should be fairly easily repairable.  The omphalocele has reduced in comparative size since the first ultrasound where we saw it at aabout half the size of her overall abdomen - it is now less than a quarter of the comparable size; it is among the least of her health concerns at this point, and is considerably less severe than we first anticipated it being.  This is a praise note :)

 

The hardest part of the ultrasound was her heart...  It is severely deformed.  We are told that babies with similar heart conditions often do fine in the womb, but are unable to live more than a few hours beyond birth.  Some do live and can have intensive heart surgery to repair the damage.  Her aorta appears to be one of the multiple problems and may or may not be repairable.  Our doctor, who fully supports our desire to seek medical care for her, has cautioned us that we do not have the medical facilities in this state to care for the profound medical needs she will have immediately following birth, should the Lord see fit to allow her to live to that point, so should we opt for surgical intervention we will have to deliver out of state at a facility that has both the specialists and the technology.  The tricky part in all of this is that, as he cautioned, many doctors and/ or hospitals will not even consider such a procedure on a child who promises to be profoundly handicapped both mentally and physically.  Her life holds no value to most of them, and some (many) would go so far as to call it immoral or unethical to do anything to prolong or save her life.  We can fight this, and search for medical people who will uphold and value her life as we do, but we need wisdom and discernment in this.  We need the Lord to guide us in making the best decisions for our daughter.

 

It's hard to think about getting so far as a live birth only to give up on her then...  at the same time, we do not want to push too hard for too much and make her suffer in the process - this is where discernment comes in.  So much of this is outside our realm of understanding and experience.

 

God has greatly blessed us with a medical team here that is loving and supportive (indeed, my OB delivered our youngest two and handled our 7th miscarriage - he has our complete trust as my doctor and we know that he will work as hard as he can to help us preserve Faith's life - yet his ability is limited by what the Lord has in store...  we do not know what God's plan is for our little girl's life, and we are trying hard to not have set expectations...  only hopes.  We were given a very small chance of reaching this point in pregnancy, yet here we are.  We are given an even smaller chance of Faith living to birth.  We do not know if we will be allowed to know her in this life, or if she will pass directly from my womb into the Lord's hands, as have so many of our other little ones.  This is one of those points where trust comes in, and we are tested in our conviction of leaving our family size, our fertility, in the Lord's hands.  He is most capable, and He does not make mistakes.  He has a plan, and as the Maker and Giver of life, our family rests in His hands.  I know many of you do not understand our conviction in this area, and some outright disagree.  That's ok :)  but it is what the Lord has placed on our hearts, and we must walk by faith the road He has set before us, when it is easy as well as when it is hard.  Right now, it's hard.  Still, we stand firm in our belief that life is God's alone to give and to take in His perfect timing. 

 

So right now we face some big decisions:  do we fight to prolong her life and seek out medical experts who can treat her heart and are willing to help us help her live, or do we allow her what time she has without that intervention...  It is hard to know what is best for her in this, so as we research options, we need much wisdom from the Lord...

 

Second, we are faced with the inevitable death of our precious little one.  Again, we do not know when - it could be tomorrow, it could be ten years from now...  it could be any time.  However, children with trisomy 18 simply do not live long lives... very few make it beyond infancy if they survive birth, even fewer live into the childhood years, but it *is* possible should it be the Lord's plan for them.  That said, we are advised to have a plan in place for her remains when she is no longer in her little body.  This is so hard to consider, and yet it is reality.  We need to decide if we bury or cremate our little one - I can't help but feel that no parent should ever have to deal with such a decision - to outlive their children...  and yet, here it is.  Staring us in our faces.  We need to choose.  Again, prayers for wisdom and discernment are needed- once the deed is done, it cannot be undone, so we need to make the right decision the first time.

 

Anyway, I'm afraid I'm getting rambly and should finish this post.  Your prayers are tremendously appreciated - we know that the Lord is listening and is answering our prayers, wether we get the answers we hope for or not, He *always* answers...  We know that He is walking through this with us, as He has promised to not leave or forsake us...  I cling to that promise.  This has been one of the hardest, most painful walks in my life, and yet I can be thankful that we do not walk it alone...  we are blessed with a Father-God who carries us when our own legs will no longer do the job.  He is our strength when we have no strength of our own.  TJ and I are blessed with a deeply loving marriage and a strong friendship between us; we are blessed with many children in our home as well as many awaiting us in heaven.  Our hearts are full and our cup is overflowing.  Our God is faithful, and He is present, even in times of hurt.  We are blessed, too, with friends and family who love and pray for and with us.  Thank you.  You mean a lot to us!

Newest ultrasound - 17 weeks

We got in and had a pretty detailed ultrasound this week (Monday)...  Faith is still too small to be able to get a good view of her heart, so we'll try again, looking specifically at heart issues the first week in January...

Her heart is still out of position, but in the general vicinity that it should be...  her soft markers were less visible than last time - which could just be "one of those things" or it could be showing some improvement - the doc said it's premature to say if there is less defect than anticipated.  We'll know more on that front next month.

**I learned after that our area has a pediatric heart specialist who does perform heart surgery and care for special needs infants and children - he does a lot of care at the NICU in our local hospital as well as having his office at the same specialty care clinic where DH goes for his foot doc - a nice piece of knowledge to help with peace of mind!**

Her spine looks very good - no signs of spina bifida or anything to worry about there, so that was good.

Her head shows the typical strawberry shape and her hands are clenched with the typical finger posturing for Trisomy18 - neither of these were unexpected.

Her ompahlocele is smaller than it was...  this is the membrane sack that holds organs outside of her body...  her abdomen is measuring about a week behind, but with the ompahlocele, it is not surprising.  Last u/s, it measured about half the size of her abdomen - this u/s it measures about a quarter of the size of her abdomen.  This could be a good sign (I'm praying that it is) and the doc said it looks hopeful, and "providing it does not herniate" it should be "minimally repairable" (also meaning it could be treated locally, which would be really great! should she live to term...)  We'll keep an eye on that, but he says this part looks hopeful.

 **I found out later that there is a specialist *in town* who is experienced with omphalocele surgery and he does some work with the NICU here - no small miracle, considering we have to travel our of area for so many other medical issues!**

Her brain is showing some fluid pockets, which may or may not resolve on their own.  Something to keep an eye on, but not necessarily something to be worried about.  He said, too, that this is not terribly uncommon in higher risk cases, and doesn't necessarily tie in with the trisomy 18.  There is a name for that, but I didn't catch it as he was just getting warmed up.  We'll look more in depth at that around 24 weeks, when we can get a better guage of presence and the anticipated affect that may or may not have on her brain function.

Her face is showing some signs of deformity, but so far nothing significant.  We can not see anything that would affect her health in that respect, only a flattened bridge of her nose and her nose itself appears to be shaped a bit differently...  it appears (but is too early to tell for certain just yet) that her eyes may be sunken back some as well, but I understand these to be the typical facial characteristics of her diagnosis and not really problematic - they are more identifiers, similar to how many Down's syndrome children have specific facial characteristics.  Not concerning, just somkething we noticed.  My only concern with facial deformities would be pallette issues or the like, which cause feeding and breathing difficulties, but it is too early to see if that is an iisue yet or not.  We'll take that on if/when the time comes, though.

80% of Trisomy18 babies who have survived to this point are behind on size.  She is measuring one day ahead of dates (last measure she was 4 days ahead of dates, so she's still ahead of the game, or right where she should be).  20% of T18 babies don't show the significant growth delays that are so common for this diagnosis.  The bigger the baby, the better their chances at life, though.

We go back in 3 weeks for a 20 week scan, with the focus being on heart issues.  At 24 weeks, there are other markers to watch for.

The ultrasound was tentatively hopeful.  He did leave us with the disclaimer that any and all of this can change for the better or the worse at any time, and there really isn't a way to know if/ how long she will live.  Today she is alive, actively moving, and growing well, and for that we are most grateful.

Thank you SO MUCH for your continued prayers for our little one!!  It really means a lot to us

Catching up - butterfly princess has a birthday, and more!

Well, I'm a bit behind in catching up here, so here's a brief synopsis.

Thanksgiving was quiet, nice, and just us (which makes quiet a relative term, as there are 11 around our daily table...)  We changed things up a little, and kept it simple.  Natasha, 17 now, helped prepare the meal, which helped make the morning preparations a lot easier and faster.

The day after our little Butterfly Princess had her third birthday!  Normally we decorate the house and put up the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving evening, however, she's had a bit of confusion about her birthday being the same as Jesus' birthday, so we decided to save the tree until AFTER her birthday.  Her little party (again, just us) was simple but fun - she danced through much of the day, wearing her pink ballerina butterfly princess wings we found at the dollar store, and had a lovely time of it.  I did take a couple of pictures, but will have to try to post them later.

Last week we got a wonder of a snow storm and ended up being snowed in (rather, drifted in...  we only got a few inches of actual snow, but with the open spaces around us and the barn placed where it is, we had a great deal of drifting from the high winds, so we were drifted in for 3 days, which was quite nice.  It enabled us a few down days and some quiet R&R together.  We did finally get back out Wednesday, which was good timing, since we needed to make a trip to Billings Thursday for Ben (4) to see the eye doctor there for a follow up.  Not surprising, at his appointment we found that his glasses are not doing the "trick" for his eyes, and he is in need of dual eye surgery.  His accommodative reciption is no where near what Rebecca's is, as she probably will not need surgery after all,her glasses helping tremendously.  Ben is now scheduled for eye surgery in February, and it is expected that he will not need glasses anymore after the surgery, so that is good.  We have every confidence in this eye doctor and know him to be one who will only recommend surgery if it is the least invasive helpful measure.  He has been treating Rebecca for her eye condition for just over 3 years now, so we have a bit of history with him, and come to find out, he has also treated several children with Trisomy18 over the course of his career, and said he is quite willing to treat our little Faith, should she make it that far and need eye care (which is typical for t18 children).

Caleb is set up to have a hearing evaluation - I suspect he is fine and is just slow to start talking (although he has taken some forward steps since I requested the authorization from our insurance - go figure!) so we're having his hearing tested just to be sure nothing is holding him back...

We've also had 5 of the kiddos in for dental check ups in the last week, with a couple of follow ups in two weeks for sealants and one of the girls needs to have a couple of baby teeth removed to make room for adult teeth that are already crowding in (but her jaw is too small for all those teeth, and they are starting to go crooked with the crowding, so we're going to take preventative measures by having those baby teeth out.

Anyway, it's been all sorts of busy here, taking care of medical and dental.  TJ is healing nicely, though his cast got wet when we went to Billings - who knew that a little bit of snow on the heel (by accident) would be enough to damage a cast and cause it to crack?  Well, we learned - so we had his cast changed out on Friday.  X-rays show more healing than we expected (yeah!) and he is well on his way to recovery.  It is expected that he'll still be in a cast for another 6 weeks before he goes into another walking boot.  In the meanwhile, I'll be his driver to and from work, appointments, and errands again. 

Retirement is just over the horizon, too, as his last day of work for the military is the very beginning of February, and then retirement on April 1.

Lots of changes on our horizon.

I think those are the highlights for now - we have another ultrasound in another week, but in the meanwhile, I did find an inexpensive ($35.) doppler for at home use, so we can listen to Faith's heartbeat at home.  The peace of mind was worth every cent.  I'm very thankful for the ability to hear her each day, and even more that it also allows my husband the chance to feel more connected with her while we await whatever it is that her future holds.

We're back above sub-zero temperatures this week, after a week of very cold days here.  The kids are excited for the warmer temperatures that will allow them play time outside and in the white stuff!

Anyway, that's all for now...  I will update more after our next ultrasound unless we have something before then.



Today's ultrasound update

We had our 3rd ultrasound this afternoon... we couldn't see much "new" from the last time, except that her hands are in the signature position for trisomy 18, with overlapping fingers... that wasn't surprising, though...

On the positive side, her heart was beating strong and steady at 150 beats per minute - that was a beautiful sound... and her growth is actually ahead a little - last ultrasound 2 weeks ago, she was measuring exactly on target for dates, literally measuring *to the day* of her gestational age - today we are 13 weeks and 3 days, but she is measuring ahead at 14 weeks for size (4 days isn't a large amount, but given the circumstances, it feels like a small victory) - trisomy babies are usually small for size, but the larger the baby the better their chances are of surviving, so it was encouraging to see her growth ahead of where it was expected to be. :) that isn't expected to last, but it's nice to see her getting a little head start at least.

We couldn't see much more with her heart - it is so small yet, at such a young age - but it is still out of position (the u/s tech said she's never seen it move during pregnancy - I asked) and the same with the abdominal wall defect - and again, she said that in all of her years doing ultrasound, she's seen this several times, but has never seen it heal during pregnancy. Of course, that doesn't mean God cannot heal these things if that's His plan, but medically, they haven't seen it happen before... I'm not getting my hopes up on that front, but resting in the Lord for our little one and her health issues... We should be able to see more clearly as she gets bigger.

We go back in another month for the next ultrasound, when we should be able to see more with her heart and other areas of concern - right now she's still so little that it's difficult to see what needs to be seen.

Thank you for praying for our little one. We appreciate your prayers so much!!

Jeremiah



Jeremiah 29:11-12

 ^11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

 

Tomorrow afternoon is our next ultrasound.  I can't help but be a little nervous, knowing what we do - and yet I am prayerful and hopeful that we can listen to Faith's heart beating steadily away.

 

We went to town yesterday, and as I was in need of purchasing some larger pj's for Ben who is getting so very big, we went in to my favorite second hand children's clothing store Once Upon a Child.  They didn't have what I went in for, but I couldn't resist looking at the baby girl things...  the preemie sizes, knowing that Trisomy 18 babies tend to be very, very small at birth...  I found two adorable little baby gowns that have the front openings for easy access, and since they were only a few dollars each, I bought them - partly as an act of faith, and partly because I just really wanted to buy her something.  An act of showing God (not that He doesn't already know my heart, because I know that He does) that I trust Him and I believe that if it is His will, He can heal Faith...  and even if He does not heal her on this earth, that perhaps He might allow us to hold her and know her in this life before it is her time to go and live with Him.  Either way, she will need something to wear.

 

If you've seen the movie "Facing the Giants", you'll understand the context of the saying "preparing the ground for rain" - and that is what I am doing.  I trust that God will bring the rain, but rather than sitting there and watching for it to come, I'm preparing the fields for it, figuratively speaking.  Putting forth an act of faith that shows that I know He can and that HE WILL - in His good time.  We don't know what His timing is or will be, only He knows that.

 

Growing up, my Meema used to say that we could claim God's promises in prayer, and as she would pray (she was very much a Pentecostal - I am not, but I appreciate her deep faith and her amazing love for the Lord) she would "claim" things in prayer.  I'm not so sure I agree with that concept.  I know that God has given us promises, and I know that He always does what He says He will do...  but I think that sometimes in our human minds, we get an idea set of how that should look...  and what we envision isn't always what He meant.  I know that He will heal the sick and the wounded.  He says that He will, and I know that is true - but He doesn't say that He will heal them all in this life and on this earth...  some healing only comes in Heaven.  Since we cannot know when or where Faith's healing will come, we can only trust that He has a plan...  He has a plan for her, and He has a plan for us. 

 

His plan is for our good - though sometimes His plans for our good mean hurt in the process...  growth isn't pain free.  When a small child gets a new tooth growing in, it is a good thing - but it is uncomfortable for them, sometimes it is downright painful.  When God prunes our branches, so to speak, it is a painful process, but it is for our good.  The end result is something refined and more beautiful than we could ever hope to achieve without  Him - the end result is a more fruitful life.

 

So today my scripture promise, my prayer of thanksgiving comes from Jeremiah 29.  I know that He has a plan for our sweet unborn daughter, as He does for all of us.  And I know without a shadow of doubt that He hears our prayers, He listens to us when we talk to Him.  It is also my prayer that I listen when He is talking to me, and that I would hear in my heart, in my spirit, and in my mind, what He is saying.  Through the tears, through the hurt, through the joys...

TJ's surgery update

Well, TJ's surgery was Wednesday morning, and it went well.  He was back there in the OR for about 5 hours, then in the post-op recovery room for almost another hour before we got to see him - because of the scary reaction he had last time, the doc decided to keep him in the hospital overnight (23 hour stay) as a safety precaution.  He (the doc) thinks that TJ developed blood clots in his liver, which is most likely why he gave us such a scare before - as a preventative, just after surgery and after the tourniquette was taken off, they started him on an anticoagulant medication to help prevent any clots from forming where they should not.

One thing for continued prayer is that during the surgery, the doc did find an area on TJ's foot that had dead bone tissue.  It isn't in an area where he's even had surgery, and to the best of both of our recollections, he's never had an injury there... it wasn't there with his last surgery in February, and it's got the doc baffled.  He removed all the dead tissue and sent it to pathology for testing (though he did assure me that he's pretty sure it isn't anything scary - it's more of a precautionary measure, which I appreciate!)  We should get the pathology findings next week at TJ's post-op appointment when he gets his soft cast off and his first hard cast (for this time around) on.

He was released yesterday early afternoon and we brought him home and settled him in for some rest.

His pain is managed with a prescription, but he's really doing surprisingly well with it (considering his experience last time around as a comparison) -

We are so thankful for the prayers of so many friends and family who have been with us through everything we're dealing with at present - thank you for your prayers specifically for TJ and his surgery! 

Book recommendation

I have a book recommendation if you or someone you know is struggling through (during or after the fact) miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc - or the grief of hearing your unborn child is "incompatible" with life and has a short life expetancy... 

It's very well written, but because of needing to put it down and just cry sometimes, it's not an easy read. Especially when struggling with grief and the uncertainty our baby's life holds (will she live? will we meet her while she's still alive? will we be blessed to need to learn a special routine to juggle her many health care needs if she lives?)

It's called "I Will Carry You: THe Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy" by Angie SMith (wife to Todd Smith, singer for Selah)

Last night I read the chapter on the birth (and death) of their little daughter Audra. Such a beautiful story, heartwrenching to read, but also healing in some ways...

Anyway, if you know someone who is struggling with this kind of grief, I highly recommend it. It is interlaced with praise to our Creator, scripture (kept in context, which I think is especially important), prayer, and showing God's presence even in times of great pain.

Thoughts and ramblings



"For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well."  Psalm 139: 13-14

This last week has been hard.  So much information to take in.  The heartache of hearing how short our sweet baby’s life is expected to be is almost crippling.  Some moments I feel like I am suffocating, others I feel like we’ll be ok, we can get through this with the Lord’s help…

A friend called yesterday and during the course of our conversation she asked me if I was angry about Faith’s diagnosis.  My only thoughts were: How would I possibly be angry?  How could I be angry with the God who has given us the gift of her life?  How can I be angry with the God who carries us through when the pain is simply too much to carry on our own?  No, I am not angry.  I feel shaken, sometimes maybe even broken, but never angry.  The dreams we hold for each of our children never includes profound handicaps – but if the Lord sees fit to gift us with Faith’s life outside of the womb, we will embrace every aspect of the life He gives us with her.

I embrace my growing belly, and passionately love this fragile, tiny life growing within me.  I embrace each and every day that she is with us.

My God is a God of miracles, and I KNOW that *if it is His will*, He can heal her.  Totally.  Completely.  At the same time, I have to acknowledge that His plan for her may not include healing in this life.  It may not come until she is in His arms, in His presence.  I have to accept and embrace that as well.

Trisomy 18 has staggering implications.  The medical outlook is very negative. Even more sadly to me is that it is estimated that 86% of babies diagnosed with this are aborted shortly after diagnosis.  All of those lives cut short…  It is unfathomable to me.  And yet, before hearing this hard news about our sweet baby, it was also unfathomable to think of being faced with the reality of carrying a life that has so little chance, statistically speaking, of making it to a live birth.

I am shaken, but not broken.  We still praise the Lord for her life, in whatever form He sees fit to give it.  We thank Him for the strength to walk this road, because we are not strong.  We do not have the strength to walk it ourselves.  I feel so very weak.  At times I feel helpless.  There have been moments where I feel the enemy “whispering” that I should stop the twice daily shots that counteract my bleeding disorder, which help prevent my blood from clotting and suffocating our baby.  To stop the progesterone cream that ensures my body has the necessary hormones to successfully carry our baby.  I am old for a pregnant mom, at 41.  But always, ALWAYS, I am reminded that I need to fight for this baby as I would any other.  Her life is no less precious, no less special, with her condition(s).  I choose to fight for her life, I choose to embrace this difficult journey.  I choose life.

There are those who argue that a life like hers is not worth preserving.  I’ve read medical reports and opinion papers published in the APA (American Pediatrics Assoc) online that argue that it isn’t right to prolong a life that is considered to be incompatible with life.  My thought is, if my child is so “incompatible”, then why is she alive now?  God knows far better than any of us could even begin to fathom.  He has a plan.  Quality of life is measured in so many different ways, depending on one’s perspective.  If our child has very little chance of being “normal”, does that mean her life is less valid?  No, it doesn’t.  Not by a long shot.

The words of Job come back to me, as they have time and again when we have been faced with so many miscarriages over the years.  “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Yes, indeed.  Blessed IS the name of the Lord, and we thank Him for being in control, for holding Faith’s fragile life in His great hands.

This morning, the children’s Sunday school song keeps running through my head – My God is so big, my God is so mighty, there’s nothing that He cannot do.

 This is so true.

My God *is* so big, and He is SO mighty.  He is the God of miracles, and her life in and of itself is a miracle.

I don’t know why we have been chosen by the Lord to walk this road.  I don’t know what His purpose is in allowing such things to happen to our children.  I don’t understand why such suffering must exist in this world.  At the same time, I know that He doesn’t leave us to walk this road alone – and when we can’t see Him, it’s because we have closed our eyes or they are blinded by tears.  When we cannot feel His presence walking with us, it’s because He is carrying us through.  I know that He loves the little children even more than we do, even more than we can ever begin to comprehend.  I know that He has a reason, and though I may never understand in this life what that reason is, we can rest in the knowledge that we don’t have to understand it to rest in it.  To trust.  

This last week has been hard.  So much information to take in.  The heartache of hearing how short our sweet baby's life is expected to be is almost crippling.  Some moments I feel like I am suffocating, others I feel like we'll be ok, we can get through this with the Lord's help...

A friend called yesterday and during the course of our conversation, she asked me if I was angry about Faith's diagnosis.  My only thoughts were: How could I possibly be angry?  How could I be angry with the God who has given us the gift of her life?  How can I be angry with the God who carries us through when the pain is simply too much to carry on our own?  No, I am not angry.  I feel shaken, sometimes maybe even broken, but never angry.  The dreams we hold for each of our children never includes profound handicaps - but if the Lord sees fit to gift us with Faith's life outside of the womb, we will embrace every aspect of the life He gives us with her. 

I embrace my growing belly, and passionately love this fragile, tiny life growing within me.  I am thankful for each and every day that she is with us. 

My God is a God of miracles, and I KNOW that *if it is in His will*, He can heal her.  Totally.  Completely.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that His plan for her may not include healing in this life. Her healing may not come until she is in His arms, in His presence.  I have to accept and embrace that as well.

Trisomy 18 has staggering implications.  The medical outlook is very negative.  Even more sadly, it is estimated that 86% of babies diagnosed with this are aborted shortly after.  All of those lives, cut short.  It is unfathomable to me.  And yet, before hearing this hard news about our sweet baby, it was also unfathomable to think of being faced with the reality of carrying a life that has so little chance, statistically speaking, of living to a live birth. 

I am shaken, but not broken.  We still praise the Lord for her life, in whatever form He sees fit to give it.  We thank Him for the strength to walk this road, because we are not strong, and we do not have the strength to walk it ourselves.  I feel so very weak, at times I feel helpless.  There have been moments where I feel the enemy whispering (not literally, but figuratively) that I should stop the shots and the progesterone cream.  I have a bleeding disorder that requires me to inject a medical solution into my belly twice a day so that my blood doesn't clot and suffocate our babies when I am pregnant.  I am old (for a pregnant mom) at 41, and progesterone levels are simply not what they once were when I was much younger and first starting our family.  But always, always, I am reminded, I need to fight for this baby as I would any other.  Her life is no less precious, no less special, with her condition(s).  I choose to fight for her life, I choose to embrace this difficult journey.  I choose life.

There are those who argue that a life like hers is not worth preserving.  I've read medical reports and "opinion papers" published in the American Pediatrics Association (online) that argue that it isn't right to prolong a life that is "incompatible" with life.  My only thought is, if my child is so "incompatible", then why is she alive now??  God knows far better than any of us could even begin to fathom.  He has a plan.  Quality of life is measured in so many different ways, depending on one's perspective.  If our child has very little chance of being "normal", does that mean her life is less valid?  No, it doesn't.  Not by a long shot.

The words of Job come back to me, as they have time and again when we have been faced with so many miscarriages over the years - "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."  Yes, indeed.  Blessed IS the name of the Lord, and we thank Him for being in control, for holding Faith's fragile life in His great hands.

This morning the children's Sunday school song keeps running through my head,

My God is so big,

My God is so mighty

There's nothing that He cannot do

This is so true.

My God *is* so big, and He is SO mighty.  He is the God of miracles, and her life in and of itself is a miracle. 

I don't know why we have been chosen by the Lord to walk this road.  I don't know what His purpose is in allowing such things to happen to our children.  I don't understand why such suffering must exist in this world.  At the same time, I know that He doesn't leave us to walk this road alone - and when we can't see Him, it's because we have closed our eyes...  when we can't feel His presence walking with us, it's because He is carrying us through... I know that He loves the little children even more than we do - even more than we can begin to comprehend.  I know that He has a reason, and though I may never understand in this life what that reason is, we can rest in the knowledge that we don't have to understand it to rest in it.  To trust.

Each day, as the morning sickness rolls through and I try to not get sick, and even when I find myself leaning over the sink, the contents of my stomach no longer where they were, I am thankful.  Each time that is a reminder that her life is still growing within me.  Each day that there are not the tell tale signs of impending miscarriage, I thank Him that she is still with us.  It is day by day.  It is hard, not knowing if she will survive to birth, if she will survive to the next trimester...  if she will survive her first birthday, her first Christmas...  how much time will we be allowed?  We cannot know - only the Lord knows.  All we can do is thank Him for each day that we do have, and embrace her life as it is right now.

I pray for a miracle for her life, but only if it is within God's will.  How awesome would it be if He saw fit to heal her broken body?  To heal her heart, to heal her abdominal issues, to put those organs back inside of her body and close that membrane sack that holds her insides on the outside of her tiny body...  to heal any other health issues she may have that we don't know about yet?  He can do it, but we don't know if He will.  That may or may not be His plan.  Because we can not know, we have to simply trust.

God is good.  All of the time.  He is gracious and loving.  He is our Abba Father.  He has a plan and a reason, and I am so thankful for that knowledge, even if it is so great that I can't quite comprehend it all.

Thank you, Lord, for our baby Faith.  Thank you for her life, in whatever form You see fit to give it. Help us to walk this road, Lord, because we cannot walk it without You.  Give us the strength and courage, the wisdom and discretion in making the choices You would have us make for her.

Thank you for those who are partnering with us in prayer on Faith's behalf.  On behalf of our family.  Where two or more are gathered together, You are there.  Thank you for Your presence. 

Ultrasound update

The ultrasound today confirmed everything...  our baby's heart is still beating but is not positioned correctly - and she has a large area outside of her abdomen that is either a hernia or a growth holding internal organs outside of her abdomen where they normally would be - it is suspected to be the latter, but we'll know for sure in a few weeks if we do not miscarry before then.  Her growth looked good - right on for where she should be with our due date, so that small piece was encouraging.

 

Dr said we have about a 50% chance of making it to 20 weeks.  Research shows a 10% chance of making it to birth *if* we make it to 20 weeks.

Our next ultrasound is in 2 weeks, and we may be able to see more then.  We won't have a great view of her full heart and be able to get a good understanding of the severity of her heart condition for close to 10 weeks from now.  It's a short time, but feels like an eternity at this point.

 

TJ and I did decide on the name Faith for her, so we can refer to her by name instead of just "baby".

 

We greatly appreciate the prayer support for Faith, as well as the rest of our family, and our medical team as we walk this hard road.

I Will Carry You...

I first heart this song after our 7th miscarriage - it ministered to my heart in so many ways.  Now, facing a pregnancy with a grim outlook, it again brings comfort (and tears) - I am honored to be the vessel for my child's life - no matter how long or how short her life may be.

Lord, give us the strength to walk this road.  We cannot do it without You.

Baby update...

We are expecting our 10th child.  We just received results today confirming that our baby has Trisomy 18, which is most often fatal for the baby within weeks, sometimes hours of birth, with a very high stillbirth rate. 

We know that God is the maker and giver of life, and that He alone determines the number of days for each and every one of us. 

Please keep us all in your prayers through this - for wisdom in medical decisions, for the Lord's peace to reign.  We absolutely will not consider abortion under any circumstance - our child's life is precious and is a gift from the Lord, and we cherish every day that God sees fit to give us with this baby, just as with our other children.  Please be in prayer for our OB, he is a high risk specialist and knows our family well.  He is an excellent doctor who specializes in neonatal care and high risk pregnancy, and he is a Christian.  He delivered our 2 youngest children, as well as having helped us through our 7th miscarriage almost 2 years ago.

From the beginning, I knew something was different with this pregnancy...  I even told my doctor and nurse that I felt that something wasn't quite right - after learning about a test that is available to "mature" moms, which we had done last week (using my blood, not baby's amniotic fluid), I went home and read up some on the different trisomy disorders the test covers.  That night I had a dream that we had given birth and held our baby, and the next thing I knew I was writing an obituary for our new baby - I woke up with tears on my face and have wondered since if that was the Lord preparing my heart for news to come, or if it was simply the bad timing of reading something like that before bed with pregnant hormones all over the place.  It seems the Lord was preparing my heart.

We have an ultrasound tomorrow, and our OB plans to monitor us closely throughout this pregnancy.  We do not know if this child will live to be born or not.  We do know that the Lord loves this baby even more than we do, and that He is in control - hard as this is to digest and accept. Your prayers through out the remainder of this pregnancy and for however many days the Lord sees fit to give our newest little one are much appreciated.  Thank you for your love and prayerful support.

Resting in His hands...

Summer is over...

So life has been busy all year this year...  there hasn't really been a "down time", though we kept expecting things to slow down.  Maybe now that summer is over...  hahahahahaha...  (hear the maniacal laughter??)

Physical therapy is still going for TJ, and school has resumed for the kids.  The fair came and went, and 116 4-H entries (and ribbons!) later, we've just about wrapped up the 4-H year (gearing up to start over again next month), a couple of out of state trips for Andrew to see the pediatric urologist and have his surgery, so he is no longer living with the pain that has bothered him for years past - it's just been...  busy...  but what is new for a big, busy family?  Well, plenty, lol!

Canning for this year is just about done - I still have tomatoes to process from my garden, but with the cooler temps setting in already, they are ripening in boxes in my kitchen.  Otherwise, here is the finished work :)  I think I'm going to need another cabinet next year!  :)

 We also got three very large pumpkins at the farmer's market - I knew they were big, but just didn't realize how VERY big until I got them in the kitchen and next to the regular sized one I bought at the grocery store a few days earlier!  We ended up giving away one of the big ones because I ran out of freezer space and containers to put the cooked and pureed pumpkin in.  Ah, the delicious smells of autumn...  **happy sighs**

On other notes, we found out that we are expecting again - a bit of a surprise because I was pretty sure we were done after our last baby.  I'm supposed to be in menopause, after all, but that didn't stop God from blessing us again!  We are happy, though I am a little nervous about the possibility of another miscarriage.  This will be our tenth baby, but my 17th pregnancy.  At 41, I must be near the end of my fertile years anyway, but I guess we're not quite there just yet after all!  There has been much discussion about if we'll have our 4th boy, or our 7th girl.  Honestly, I'll be happy regardless!  My hope is that this baby lives and we don't have another miscarriage.

Last month my second oldest, Abigail, won the high point award at the county horse show, and the prize was a 2 hour guided trail ride at one of the horse ranches about an hour from us.  She and I went on the ride last Saturday, and it was a lot of fun!  It's been a LONG time since I've been in a saddle for so long, so my old bones are feeling it, haha, but it was really nice!  Of course that experience made the kids really wish for another horse that is younger and more agile!  The two horses we have are great teacher horses for the kids (and me!) so I think we'll stick with the two we have for the present, but someday we do hope to add to our "herd" (after adding on to the barn of course).

Speaking of herds, we butchered pigs and cows for the year and are really enjoying the home grown meats!  Store bought bacon and ham just isn't the same...  and though I've heard that holstein beef isn't great for steaks and roasts, I have to disagree...  as our 4-H leader says, it really depends on how you raise and feed them, because this is some of the best beef I've ever, ever had the pleasure of eating!!  We have two more calves growing and will probably take them to the butcher when it's time to butcher next year's pigs - which of course means the barn work for the remainder of the year is just basic mucking.  Everything else is now done for the year (yeah!!!!)

Back to the kids, my oldest is now taking college classes through the same college my husband and I finished our degrees through.  Thankfully it is an online program, so we don't have to worry about transportation or getting snowed in so that she can't get to class! *grin*  She is in her 4th week and is doing well so far.  We have given her the requirement of one year of college after high school graduation, which she is fulfilling.  Our hope is that she will opt to complete at least an Associate's degree before deciding to be done, but that will be her choice once the intial year has been completed.  That should help with any job or educational pursuits she may be interested in in the future, should a homeschool education ever be questioned.  Ultimately, her goal is to be a wife and mother someday, which gives me great pleasure to hear!! 

We are gearing up for TJ's retirement.  He will have 22 years in the military this spring, and we're in full agreement that it's time.  22 years, 8 deployments, and lots of water under the bridge, and we're both quite ready for a new junction in the road!

So yes, lots of changes, lots of busy, and lots of *stuff* - but it's good.  Life is good.  God is good.  Things aren't always easy - in fact, as this past year has proven, sometimes life can be downright hard - but that doesn't mean it isn't still good, or that we are not blessed.  We are thankful for the many challenges that are now behind us, for the growing experiences, the challenges.  And it is my hope and prayer that the upcoming year isn't quite as eventful. :)  A quiet year sounds really, really nice. :)

Butchering time!

This year we did 5 pigs - Porkie and Petunia, Flynn, Anne, and Diana.  The butcher came out Thursday to kill and gut, and he hauled in the 3 pigs we sold plus another I sold a quarter of which will pay for the butcher fees for the other 3/4.  The last pig (Flynn) I did myself.  My 13yo took pictures of the process until she got bored and went to take pictures elsewhere! *grin*

This was our 3rd year doing pigs - the first year we only raised two, as we were getting things figured out.  When we came close to butchering time, some of my husband's co-workers started asking if they could buy meat from us, but we hadn't planned to sell them, as we were raising the meat to feed our large and growing crew.  The second year we doubled our "herd" and raised 4 pigs, selling 2 and keeping 2.  This year we added one more.  Next year?  We'll certainly plan to get 5 again, possibly 6...  we shall see :)  We don't make enough off of them doing it this small of a scale to get any kind of profit, but the goal isn't making money, it's raising good, healthy food for our family and breaking even on the cost, so that the meat for my family is paid for by my labor in taking care of the pigs - what we sell pays for the feed and the price of purchasing those little 30 pound piglets! :)  Finishing weight?  Between 250 and 300 pounds (males are heavier than females) live weight.

I found some cool links this time around - one that shows the approximate yield from an individual hog, as well as a diagram of where all the different cuts come from (without being gory for those with more sensitive tummies!)

Another that was just fun - All the right reasons to raise pigs! which I found interesting to read. :)

So, on to butchering day!

This is Flynn - he is the pig that I butchered myself. 

Here's our butcher, preparing to shoot one of the pigs while he is distracted by something on the ground.  I really like how he takes a humane approach to his job, rather than bullying and pushing at the pigs, he waits for them to be ready, relaxed, and in a good position for a one-shot-kill.

Two down, three to go...

This one has been gutted - those are the intestines you see that have been pulled out (they don't just fall out, they are really quite connected on the inside!  It takes a good bit of work to get them out safely and without accidentally cutting an intestine, which would contaminate the meat.



Petunia and Anne, ready to go!

Flynn, in the back of our truck, so we can drive him up to the garage instead of trying to carry him or manage the wheelbarrow with all of his weight in it! :)



Flynn, up on the gambrel.  We found a gambrel with pulley system on amazon this year - that was an excellent investment!!!  It certainly made lifting that big ole heavy pig soooo much easier!!

Now, for those reading who don't know me IRL, I'm not short :)  Used to be 6' tall, but am shrinking some, and down to 5' 9.5" - that kind of gives you an idea on the size of this pig! (and yes, those are socks on my feet - I threw them away when I was finished cutting!  those were NOT going in the wash, lol!)

Working on skinning the first leg...

Forgive me, but I don't seem to get how to rotate the picture, so this one is sideways...

Just about finished...

Wonder how we know where to cut?  Easy!  There is this thin membrane (pictured below) between cuts or sections of meat (muscle) - it's a very good guide in knowing where each section should start and/ or end!

Here's a kidney (that went in the garbage with the carcass - we don't use the kidney for anything, it was just interesting to see!

the lungs - and you can see the pipe that the air travels through to get in and out of the lungs - neat!

this nasty little thing is called a scent gland... and you do not EVER want to cut into one of these...  but if you do, stop immediately and sanitize your knife or put it aside and use a fresh, clean one so that you don't ruin the meat.  This thing is potent.  Yuck.  (Thankfully, I'm blessed to learn that by proxy and not through my own experience - and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you very much!)

These nice, meaty hams are now sectioned up and in a wet-cure in my fridge...  when the cure is done (about a week after it was put in) I'll take it out, rinse it off, and put it in the smoker.  THEN I'll wrap it up and put it in the freezer.  Homecured ham is just sooooo yummy!

And on that note, here are a couple of links to home cure ham and
home cure bacon - the one, big difference between what I do and what those links recommend is that I do not use the pink salt - I just use Kosher salt, because we don't want the nitrate/ nitrite in our food.  It's quite simple to do, really, and just takes up a large portion of the refrigerator while curing - but oh, it's so worth it!!

So, there you have it!

Who wants to try next? :)

Sew fun!

We're getting ready for the fair and finishing up projects for the 4 oldest kiddos to submit for their project entries.  Here is my 10 year old finishing her apron.

And modeling her newest creation!

She was so excited to have her OWN apron instead of frequently using one of mine.

This little gal is sew happy :)  her list of projects she wants to make for next year is already in progress!  This year we're about done with sewing, finishing up cooking, and photography, and still have a bit of work on horse stuff :)  I love how she expresses her creativity with so many projects! :)

My you've grown!

So we're gearing up for butcher time, and I always think it's fun to compare the baby pictures with the soon-to-butcher pictures!  Here's the pigs just after we brought them home back in March

(they were born in January)

and this is them taken a week ago - we butcher in 2 more weeks.  Right now they are estimated to weigh between 220 and 250 pounds:

Same corner of the barn, lol!  Today they were laying out there, and where they could all fit in snuggled up with plenty of space around them, all 5 curled up together, they can now only just barely squeeze in 3 side by side, overlapping each other a bit.  I get a kick out of seeing how much bigger they are now!

Looking forward to butchering and getting the freezer all full of home grown pork - getting that home cured and smoked hams and bacon...  ooooh yummy :)  It's going to make for a very (very, very, very!) busy could of days following butchering day, but soooo worth the work!

What happened to change the BSA?

The Boy Scouts of America issued a statement on their website with their new  MembershipStandards/Resolution on May 23 (2 days ago) that they will be allowing openly gay students to join the BSA as of January 1st, 2014.  Some may applaud this decision, but we are heartbroken over it.

For 103 years, the Boy Scouts has promoted high moral character, upright living, with a focus on doing good, learning survival skills, and encouraging boys to be boys...  with strong moral character. 

Now, they have apparently decided that strong moral character is no longer important?  Since when?

My husband, an Eagle Scout, and our oldest son, who just crossed over to Bear Scout (3rd year Cub Scout) are withdrawing from the scouting organization with heavy hearts.

We aren't opposed to the people who say they are gay - it's the actions we are against, not the people.  We're all sinners - gay or straight - but the gay lifestyle is living intentionally in that sin - and some of them so flagrantly that they feel the need to smear it in our faces.  We don't push our orientation in their faces with our comments or excessive displays of public affection - and we certainly do not want them pushing theirs in ours. 

Love the sinner, hate the sin.  We don't hate the people - but we hate the *lifestyle* of men being with men, and women being with women.  It is contrary to the Biblical standards we hold so dear, and we don't want this forced into the awareness of our children.  As the children mature, we do explain to them about how different people choose different lifestyles than we do - some just different from us, some wrong, some right, but we also stress that it is not our place to stand in judgement.  It is, however, our place to stand firm in our convictions and to stand for what is right.  This is something the Boy Scouts of America used to be proud to do as well.  Why they stopped, what changed all that, is baffling. 

I don't get it - why does sexual orientation need to factor in?

Now, for the arguments that the BSA isn't about sexuality - no, it's not.  It's about boys being boys and learning to do things in nature, in life...  their camping trips and things are supposed to be "safe" from certain kinds of influences - one of the reasons why it's not co-ed, right?  It isn't appropriate for a bunch of girls and boys to go camping together, sharing tents with the opposite gender, when they are unrelated.  How then is it ok for boys who are attracted to boys to share a tent with other boys?  How safe is it (for the straight boys or the gay boys) to go camping in the same tent with another boy who may decide that he has a "crush" on his tentmate, or for a straight boy who is so opposed to the gay lifestyle that there may be bullying?  what about if there are 2 or more "gay" boys who decide to go after a straight boy? (it's happened - maybe not in scouts, but I know it has happened - I know a straight boy who was attacked by 3 gay boys and spent much time in intensive care recovering from what they did to him, and he will never be the same *physically* as he was before that time, never mind the emotional and psychological trauma).  Boy Scouts is supposed to be safe from all that stuff. 

Years ago, I worked as a secretary in am auto glass shop.  The tune up shop next door had a gay female who worked there - she decided that she liked me "that way" and really pursued me - even when I made it clear that I was not interested.  At. All.  I didn't want to be rude to her, but it reached a point that I went to my boss in tears, begging him to deal with her and make her leave me alone (he treated me like a daughter, and at that time, I went to him as a father-figure in need of his help).  That behavior was intimidating- at times it was frightening.  And yes, I was an adult.  I was a mother.  I'm not easily intimidated, but she managed to do it with how pushy she was and how forceful she was about if I would "just try it", I'd find that I would "want it".  Um.  No.

Am I saying that all gay people will be pushy like that?  No.  Are all straight people pushy like that?  No.  But some are.  Do I want my sons to go on a scout outing and potentially have to deal with that?  And if they speak up, will they be accused of being "intolerant" or "hateful" for refusing the advances of a gay person?  That's just not fair. But it has happened to others for not being gay or being opposed to the gay lifestyle.

There have been gay scouts (I imagine there are some right now), but they are/were not *openly* gay - it wasn't a topic, it wasn't an issue - but by making it an issue through allowing *openly* gay boys to join the Boy Scouts, it has become an issue.  Sex has suddenly become a topic that our boys must have thrown in their faces as a result of this.  They are boys.  Not men.  Not yet.  They should be building things, learning about nature, putting up tents, going fishing, doing good deeds...  exploring the world.  Not exploring sexuality.  That is for the adult world.

Boy Scouts used to be a safe place for our boys to grow and learn and explore.  Now, it isn't going to be that safe place anymore. 

It feels like the leaders who have made this decision (and yes, we did get the survey, filled it out and shared our voice in opposition to this move) have failed.  They have failed as strong, moral characters, they have failed as men.  They have failed our boys. Shame on them.  They should be as ashamed of themselves as we are of them.